The Phases of Marriage.

Are you engaged, married, planning to be, or been married for 30 years? I'm going to share with you what I've observed in marriage.

Here are the stages of marriage (most take place in the beginning of marriage):

• Honeymoon phase (first few months of marriage)- everything is happy, lovey, brand new, and exciting.

• Reality phase- this where the reality of life sets in. The couple realizes they are in this for life and they also have a lot of responsibilities to handle. They may struggle a lot in realizing there is a lot more they didn't realize they had to deal with. It could be personal issues they never dealt with in singleness.

• Frustration phase- This is where the couple gets too settled into the routine of life and realize things aren't as easy or romantic as they had thought. They fight a bit more than they had expected with their personalities clashing. The little quirks they each have get in the way and cause bickering. One could be the controlling type and the other is the passive type. The controlling one dominates the passive one. The passive one holds bitterness on the inside that eventually reaches a boiling point. A sudden burst of anger may surprise the controlling one. Both learn they have a lot to work through.

• Acceptance phase (hopefully not just a phase)- This is where some of the frustration subsides. They realize they have a ton to work on but it'll take time. They realize the impossibility of perfection, but they strive to work it out. They both hopefully will take time to learn each other and themselves. They pray and allow the Lord to lead their marriage. Communication is still a work in progress, but they accept that each other will have flaws that bother them. The sweet spot of this stage is that they accept one another for who they are with a deep love in companionship.

Each of these phases depend on the couple and the duration changes. This is what I've noticed from over a year of marriage. I'm sure there is a lot I'm missing with my lack of experience but this is what I've seen to be true in analyzing marriage and reading marriage books. I believe these cycles repeat themselves throughout the years of marriage.

I think with marriage every couple has their own personal struggles they need to deal with. Whether it's anger, trauma, projection, past hurt, or control issues. Marriage makes us phase our problems head on because no matter how much we stuff them, they will resurface.

I've seen old married couples have issues they never worked through and the same cycle continues. They are in The Frustration phase for a long time because there is all these underlying issues going on underneath. They get too comfortable with their struggles and cease to work on them. They long for their spouse to hear and love them the way they need, but often they're too caught up in themselves to see what their spouse needs. I think the love languages have a huge part in this. For example, my husband is physical touch and words of affirmation. I'm quality time and words of affirmation. All he needs is a hug or shoulder massage while I'm content being with him in the present moment. That works great, but when it comes to words of affirmation it's like gasping for air. We both are terrible at it (haha), we so admit that. It's so hard to let go of pride and remind one another of love with words. It's not our natural habit. Many married couples go years without letting go of their pride to give the other spouse what they need. I so hope all of us married couples let go of how we feel about it and serve the other in the way they need loved.

So many of arguments are when the spouse is screaming for a need they have but letting their emotion lash out onto their spouse without actually saying what they need. If you are acts of service and need help around the house, ask for it kindly. If you're upset because you haven't felt loved with words then say so. We beat around the bush so often living a life with our spouses just trying to keep the peace or avoiding the actual issues. Don't forget that we can't withhold love from our spouse just because they haven't given us the love we need. We still have to show them the love they need and often that makes them want to do the same for us in return.

Of course this can be easier said than done when so much time has already passed by.

If you're getting married soon, remember this: marriage is an everyday self sacrifice. Marriage will show you your struggles and it will make you deal with them someday. You will realize you're selfish, prideful, and not made to be self sufficient. Your spouse will be a wonderful companion in life, but it's going to take a ton of work. Some days you'll wake up in a mood, but you can't take it out on your spouse. Imagine them like they're your cheerleader/best friend (even if they don't act like it at the time) you don't want to use them as a doormat for your emotions. Take time to deal with the emotions with God and a close friend. Then come to your spouse ready to share with more clarity. Of course you can go to your spouse about everything and you should, but they can't carry everything. Be open and honest but how you say it matters.

When the days get tough, remember they're the person you are bonded to. They're the love of your life forever. They're the gift you've been given. They will hurt you, but you'll hurt them too. As Jennie Allen said yesterday when speaking at LU, "People are jerks but so are you. The sooner you accept that they will 100% hurt you and you will too, the better your life will be." The sooner we accept this and move on, then we can learn to stop avoiding, but running towards Jesus for help. We can pursue relationships and accept that pain is a part of the process.

I hope that we can all end the day with our head on our pillow knowing we are loved by our spouse and God. That the only way to feel truly satisfied is by Jesus filling that need because our spouse cannot make up for everything inside of us that we are lacking. Our spouse can't be the parent replacement we needed. Our spouse can't fill us up with all the deep love our heart needs. Our spouse can't heal our trauma. They are human too. I hope we can all see that Jesus has to come in and be what we deeply need. Our spouse is just the companion to point us to Jesus and be the helping hand we can grasp onto.