As I've gotten older I've wrestled with being a big feeler as a Christian. As I've grown into this, I naturally know what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling what I'm feeling most of the time. I feel what I feel and sometimes it's a bit obvious on my face/body language. That's because feelings are a full body experience, not just in the head or heart. When I'm in a healthy state is when I'm most emotional. I allow my feelings to be expressed. I let out my feelings of excitement, anger, sadness, fear, anxiousness, joy, and compassion. I let those out because when I feel safe within myself, I let them flow. I remember a year in college where I had happy tears about the littlest of things and I actually felt more me by doing so. Yet, being in many Christian circles, I've learned it isn't safe to express emotions. I've learned the skill of suppressing, because that seemed to be the only way to get through life. I've been laughed at because when I love loudly or get super excited, it's seen as amusing. Maybe it is with how I expressed it, but it wasn't meant to be funny. I was so excited about something I couldn't contain it anymore. I remember saying, "I just LOVE that!!" I ignored the little laughter, but later on I wondered why was it funny that I was so excited about something? I've been talked down to with my emotions. I've been told, "Why can't you just be happy?" I've been laughed at for being mad. I wasn't allowed to be angry or have so called, "bad emotions." Although, there aren't any bad emotions. I've been told that you can see my emotions all over me, but that didn't seem like it was a compliment. I've been told how to feel and I'm sure I've done the same to people too. I'm sure I've put the word "should" in front of feel too, and I regret that. I'm not saying I'm perfect at this, but I long for us to get it right with emotions.
I've worked in various ministries over the years and have read the underlying message that it's not okay to express emotions in ministry. Nothing was ever deliberately said about this but actions speak louder than words. When I've tried to be real and authentic, people in ministry, go into teaching mode. I am being told what to do or how I should look at something. I'm deeply sorry if I've ever done this to you. I hope I didn't go into teaching mode when you were just trying to tell me how you've felt. It feels like being so misunderstood when expressing your honest feelings is being turned into a lesson or a little sermon. That never helps when all you can feel is what you feel.
What started this process of realization for me is that I just finished the book, "Untangle Your Emotions" by Jennie Allen. This book opened up a whole caveat for me. It's like the flood gates of suppressed emotions rose to the surface. This book opened my eyes to how Christians deal with emotions. It has helped me to see that how I am isn't bad, but actually good. It is good that I'm an emotional person and that I know what I'm feeling. Emotional awareness/intelligence is key to following Jesus and being with fellow believers. It is essential! Jennie's story has helped me so much especially with her raw honesty. Her podcast on this book was honestly healing for me too.
This book and podcast helped me to see that in Christian circles, we have so many brilliant pastors, speakers, and teachers. Yet, they don't know how to feel, how to express how they feel, and connect with people emotionally. I would add that church and ministry is often a lonely place for "feelers." You better put on your thinking cap than lead with your heart. People rather hear what you think than what you feel because that's societally accepted. Even if they want to hear how you feel, they still may go into teaching mode because that is the only way to know how to fix it. Jennie mentioned in her book that, "Feelings were never meant to be fixed; feelings are meant to be felt" (Allen, 2024, p. 14). People don't need us to fix them, they need us to empathize and listen.
What blew my mind in this book was, "When we allow ourselves the space to feel versus think our problems, the right side of the brain lights up. Science shows that when people were, "asked to focus on what was said - semantics - blood flow velocity went up significantly on the left side of the brain. When participants shifted attention to how it was said - tone of voice, whether happy, sad, anxious, angry or neutral - velocity also went up markedly on the right side of the brain." When you say I feel ________" you move from the left side of the brain to the right side of your brain. The right part of our brain is the place of connection, empathy, healing, and connection with God and other people" (Allen, 2024, p. 148).
Isn't that just crazy? I just love this about God. He created our brains to have a special place to feel our emotions and have it as our place of connection. He designed us with so much purpose and intention. As Jennie says, "Our emotions have a purpose, and that purpose is to connect us to God and one another" (Allen, 2024, p. 65). It's true and I never realized that before. I think I just lived like being a feeler meant that something was off about me. Just another reason why I couldn't fit in, but maybe all this time how I've been was actually healthy? I didn't always get it right. I shut down so many times when I felt unsafe and I wished I would have advocated for myself. I wish I would have been real instead of performing my way through social situations because showing up as how I was really feeling would cause too much conflict/tension. I wish I hadn't lived believing that emotions weren't allowed or safe to share. I wish that I was just me with my real emotions and shared them out loud in a emotionally intelligent way. I want that moving forward. I do not want to live with stuffing, suppressing, distracting, coping, and ignoring my emotions any longer. It will still be my tendency, but there is always room for all of us to grow. I want to be real. This statement from the book felt so true to me, "To feel is to live, and to live is to feel. In his book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, pastor and author Peter Scazzero wrote, "'When we deny our pain, losses, and feelings year after year, we become less and less human. We transform slowly into empty shells with smiley faces painted on them.' Without feelings, there is no life. I'm writing this book not only to help us feel again but also to help us start living again. With all our might, to live'" (Allen, 2024, p. 19). I have lived so much of my years being like an empty shell in survival mode. I've shut off my emotions to survive and sometimes that was okay to get through devastating moments. Yet, my body stored up those emotions and they started bubbling out of me. I have tried to stuff them down but the water was already boiling over. We weren't meant to stuff the very parts of us that lead us to growing with Jesus.
I felt like this book was uncovering what hasn't really been talked about in our faith circles. I felt like it went completely against Christian culture and I'm thankful she had the courage to write this. I know it's been so freeing for me and I know it can be for you too. I hope over time this will become less of such a controversial topic and more safe places wherever we go. That we start saying, "I feel...." over "I think..." Jennie challenged readers to do that towards the end of the book on page 152 and I've already tried adding this to my vocabulary. I already feel more connected by doing this. To feel is to be free. It's not like the way the world lives where with every little feeling we jump for what sinful thing it may lead us too. Emotions aren't sin, it's the choice we may make afterwards (Allen, 2024, p. 48). That's not what this is about. It's about looking at our emotions and feeling them. We take it to God and then we share it (Allen, 2024, p. 65).
Will you take the next step to becoming emotionally aware? Will you fight against societal norms and choose to be honest about your emotions? Will you be the first one to share it in your circles even if people around you are emotionally illiterate? Will you to take it to God and share it?
Thank you Jennie, for stepping up and being real. You'll probably never read this, but thank you anyways.
Reference
Allen, J. 2024. Untangling Your Emotions: Naming what you feeling and knowing what to do about it. WaterBrook.
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