I never really knew I had a voice. I always had let people have a voice for me.
I've found safety amongst the shadows. I've kept my distance from the limelight and rather enjoy not being the center of attention due to some anxieties that haven't been redeemed yet.
I say this, but I have exuberant amounts of passion within me. I now have many opinions and I love having them. I have a huge desire to share what God teaches me and what I'm discerning in the moment. I feel this all so deeply that it springs out of me which is why I struggle to keep myself silent. It's almost like the Spirit within me wants to be heard because this voice I've been given isn't meant to be stifled.
This is where I live in two worlds. One world of wanting to share all I'm learning and what I believe while also holding onto the fear of man. I dance between shadows and light from day to day. I have so many believers say that I belong among the light where my voice is heard. The light is where my Father welcomes me, not hiding in the shadows consumed by my insecurities.
So I muster up courage and bring forth the words I feel deep within. Every time I open my mouth in front of people or write bold words, I feel empowered knowing that little Faith would want this for me.
I don't want this to come across proudly, for God opposes the proud (James 4:6-7). I want this to come across humbly because the once caterpillar living in her tight cocoon has now burst forth into a bright, blue butterfly. She still struggles to be a butterfly with wings stuck in the cocoon, but the Lord is redeeming her day by day so that her wings can finally spread open. I feel that I'm sitting on a branch waiting to leap forward into the unknown of what God is going to do in this new chapter. I wonder what the Lord has for me as I learn to hear His voice. I still have fears and wonder what will happen. I still have fears of facing lost relationships or having to actually face challenging topics with fellow Christians. I think all the many thoughts floating around my busy mind, but I feel joy in my heart because God is up to something. I believe hope is on the horizon and that my time to fly with my new wings has come.
I know this blog sounds very different from my "Call to the Church" series, but I feel that I must also add in some poetical moments that I'm learning as I continue to create an authentic space in this online world.
I hope you, too, can spread your wings if you have also lived amongst the shadows like me. I hope we can fly with the joy of the Lord on our faces and hear the voice of our Father beckoning us to Him in all moments of our lives.
I write this so when the times get really tough and I sit in my insecurities, I can go back to remember this moment. I know it won't be easy especially as my fears like to tag along with me. I hope that I can cling to Truth when things get really difficult or when I feel that I'm pushed to hide back in the shadows by glamorous sounding voices. I hope I can cling onto hope that my wings were never meant to be clipped. The Lord is doing a work and I want to join Him it.
As Aaron was given this blessing by God to share to the Israelites (Numbers 6:22-27) I believe this same blessing can encourage us from day to day:
"The Lord bless you
and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine on you
and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you
and give you peace."
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