I know what it's like to get flash backs without any kind of warning. I know what it's like to pick up a dish from the dishwasher that brings me back to a painful moment and suddenly I feel like I could cry. Yet, I continue on with the dishes putting aside the painful memory because what's the use crying about it in the kitchen now even years later. (With my background in psychology, I know that's not the healthiest thing to do, but avoidance is how I cope). I know how frustrating silence can be because that is the prime time to get a flashback of the past. I know how long car rides take me to lonely places in my head where the pain comes back and I get lost in a trail of memories. I know how I can inflict my pain on other people just from trauma and out of fear. I know what it's like to be insecure in relationships because just what if this kind of pain happens again. I know what it's like to compare to other people who don't relate at all and long to be them or for them to understand.
The hard part of growing up is realizing things about your past that you wish weren't so real. Time reveals a lot of things. Time doesn't heal it just makes it easier to avoid the event by staying busy.
The pain of the past comes in waves. All it could take is one trigger and there I go again repeating it in my head like it just had happened. (This would be called re-traumatization.)
I asked my former counselor a while ago, "Why do these random triggers happen out of nowhere?" She said something along the lines of how all it could take is one color or one scent for our brain to trigger that event. Our body doesn't forget what we've been through.
As much as I would love to keep avoiding the real fact that I've got some open wounds, my body doesn't forget nor does my mind.
If you relate to this, I'm sorry for the pain you've dealt with. I'm not here to give you tips on how to get through the past or intense flashbacks. I'm here to say I'm with you. It's an everyday battle and you're not the only one dealing with this even though it feels like it.
I pray that God would step in during those flashbacks and remind us of His never ending love. His compassion just like he wept with so many with His time on earth. I don't think He is done weeping with us, I think He feels for us. His compassion is so authentic and caring. It's a kind of love that those of us with painful pasts really need. I pray throughout this He reminds us of His Truth as well.
My favorite passage in the Bible is Psalm 139: 1-18 because I've felt unseen a lot in my life and this passage reminds me I could never be hidden from my Father's eyes.
I'll leave you with this:
Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I stand up;
You understand my thoughts from far away.
You observe my travels and my rest;
You are aware of all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue,
You know all about it, Lord.
You have encircled me;
You have placed Your hand on me.
This extraordinary knowledge is beyond me.
It is lofty; I am unable to reach it.
Where can I go to escape Your Spirit?
Where can I flee from Your presence?
If I go up to heaven, You are there;
if I make my bed in Sheol, You are there.
If I live at the eastern horizon
or settle at the western limits,
even there Your hand will lead me;
Your right hand will hold on to me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me,
and the light around me will be night”—
even the darkness is not dark to You.
The night shines like the day;
darkness and light are alike to You.
For it was You who created my inward parts;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You
because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful,
and I know this very well.
My bones were not hidden from You
when I was made in secret,
when I was formed in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all my days were written in Your book and planned
before a single one of them began.
God, how difficult Your thoughts are
for me to comprehend;
how vast their sum is!
If I counted them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand;
when I wake up, I am still with You.
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