I always wondered in dating, "How far was too far?" I was too afraid to ask people for fear of being ashamed or embarrassed. I've found, if we're asking this question, it's probably because we've already touched the line and wondering, "Now what?"
It is rare to find a Christian dating relationship that hasn't already crossed many lines that shouldn't have been crossed. To do it all, "the right way" is rare, just so you know you're not crazy, but also that doesn't mean you should keep living the way you have been.
The line was put there for a reason.
Let's first clarify what the, "line" actually is:
The line is anything that involves premarital sex. Sex was meant to be between a man and a woman only in marriage. "But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.' 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate" (Mark 10: 6-9).
The line between choosing to remain pure in your intentions and actions or clinging onto sexual temptation, then acting on your desires.
God intended sex for marriage only. I know that most Christians already know this. You probably grew up in purity culture or have experienced the brunt of it yourself. Purity culture in the Christian world has usually been the wrong approach. It has viewed sex as this awkward topic where women need to control what they wear/do so they don't ruin the men because they're just so extremely sexual. What about the women's desires? What about the real honest conversations and teaching youth how to live purely because of their desire to have a close relationship with Jesus Himself? What about how to live this out practically instead of making your kids live under a rock until they are thrown into the world as adults without any tools in their box to live with healthy boundaries? I think what the youth need most is how to have the hard conversations about sex with their parents, peers, and leaders. This is a side tangent, but I wanted to address because I don't think we can ignore what the purity culture has done to so many Christians.
I hope this conversation I am having with you can make this feel less awkward or weird. This is normal what you're going through. I wish this was a topic that the church spoke on more often in a healthy way!!
The line is there for a reason so that you and your significant other make a choice to not engage in any sexual relations or set yourself up to act on your temptations. Temptation is normal. I remember my professor in college talked about if you don't have temptation in your dating relationship, then there might be a problem in your relationship!! It's normal because God has created you as a sexual being. He created desires in you to sexually connect with your spouse in marriage.
Sex goes beyond the physical connection, it's spiritual too. It unites two people under God. It's almost like a married couple is reuniting with the vows they made at their wedding under God when they choose to engage in sex.
I'm not writing this to give you a five step plan to keep pure in your relationship because it's unique to every couple. Maybe you or your significant other have already lost your virginity in a former relationship so your boundaries might look different than the other person. This isn't to shame that person because God redeems what has been lost. You can choose to not live the way you once did. Tomorrow is a new day. I think what needs to be made clear is these four points:
Acknowledge your temptations and what makes your temptations really hard to fight. Do everything to not put yourself in those situations. Maybe it's the time of day or maybe it's the location. It's usually the location and the time of day.
Have accountability in your life. Spiritual mentors are so helpful for your dating relationship so that you have someone to share your honest struggles with. I didn't really have this which made isolation easier to hide our temptations.
Talk about your boundaries to each other and have the hard conversations. How often do you want to kiss? How much is too much that makes you feel like giving into your desires impossible to fight? Should you limit your physical touch? What limits do you need to set in your relationship? Should the woman have more time in public with the man during certain times of her cycle per month which open up her to temptation more than other weeks of the month? Ask the questions. Have the uncomfortable conversations.
Pray for each other and ask the Holy Spirit to convict you when needed. Ask for His guidance to coach you in your relationship. I believe that when things get a little too close to the line in the heat of the moment, the Holy Spirit will nudge one of of you/or both, it's time to leave. I believe He can do this for you.
You're not alone in this and the more you avoid the topic, the more you're likely to engage in your temptations. Being tempted isn't a sin, it's acting out your desires before it's time. I'd be happy to talk with you about this! I wasn't perfect in my dating relationships, but I do know why God made sex for marriage after being married for a few years. I want you to thrive in your dating relationship so that you choose to live with healthy boundaries so then you can enjoy what you waited for in marriage.
How far is too far? Whatever makes fighting your temptation feel really impossible. Let the Holy Spirit guide you in your relationship to have healthy boundaries.
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