Yesterday, I finally felt connected to my home and the earth. I felt the breeze of spring flow all around me and it was refreshing. I took notice of the bright yellow dandelions in the grass with little purple violets scattered everywhere. I marveled at my golden retriever's auburn fur as they walked in front of me and my husband. I saw the trees blooming with pink, purple, and white flowers. I finally saw the earth for what it was in the arrival of spring. That time of unplanned mindfulness helped me to get out of my head. For once, I felt like the healthy part of me when I was a child.
As a child, I was so deeply connected to nature in the fall, spring, and summer. I practically lived outdoors especially in the warmer months. I miss how connected I was to nature. I'm so thankful I had a bigger back yard with trees and flowers everywhere. I used to play with my vibrant imagination for hours each day. I was always aware of nature. I was a flower child for sure. I even hugged trees like they were friends which most would laugh at, but I like that about myself. I picked flowers, listened to the birds singing, and acted out stories in my fiction novels. I was present to my day even though sometimes my mind would ruminate over the hurtful things that girls at school had said to me that day. I still enjoyed the moment even though the sting of loneliness was growing inside of me. I knew the gift of being aware of the world around me.
I lost that gift when I grew up like many of us do when we try to conquer a million tasks a day hoping to achieve everything in a few hours. I took on more hurt from people and carried it like an ugly suitcase. I soaked in the painful nonverbals people in careers would send me. I would feel the ache of the childhood wounds trying to come out in my early twenties like a bottle of soda that had been shaken vigorously. I lost touch with nature and maybe even with God.
When autumn came around, I started taking notice of the leaves changing. Instead of capturing it with my mind, I took 20 pictures of all the bright colored leaves. I absorbed some of the autumn beauty around me, but then winter came. I hid in my house depressed with the snow, freezing temperatures, and the ugly world out my window. I went a little too inward and became ill from so much going on.
Then spring came back, and I felt my soul coming out of hibernation once again. Now, I'm just trying to get in touch with the free-spirited version of me so that I can be present to the world around me. It's so hard to do this though because I allow my hurts to drive how my day goes. The little triggers that turn into big feelings. The nonverbals that maybe even hurt more than the verbal words. The reality of the career world that really drains me from even enjoying life. I struggle to be the real me when I'm consumed by people pleasing and pressure. I lose sight of the seasonal changes happening outdoors and the little joys in life. I become all-consumed by everything that drives me crazy and the open wounds that are on my heart. I live with a glass half empty from all I've been through even though I know I have hope in Jesus.
My soul longs to be present once again without holding onto the hardships of the day. I wish to bundle them up in a bag and hand it to God so that he can nurture every wound. That way I can just keep going without my head being in a fog and have more awareness of the world that is changing around me. I long to see, feel, and hope in the arrival of spring.
I hope that God helps me to see the world without a tainted lens of pain, but a lens of, "Yes, people hurt me a lot, and that isn't a reflection of who I am. I know my worth. I can be present to the world around me without dulling the beauty of nature. I can still have joy in the little things. I can live disconnected from the media and still be present to what matters. I can choose to sit next to Jesus in the living room with my bags of wounds. I can still cling to hope that it won't always feel this way. I can choose to love even if love is scary and feels very untrustworthy. I can be gentle with myself with how I'm feeling without letting it control my everyday moments. I can let Jesus be my friend rather than an obligation I have to check off. I can be present in the shifting seasons because that's where my soul comes alive again."
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